Communication let me down.....

They say that good communication is the foundation of a well-balanced family…..

“Have you seen my keys?”

“It’s in the lounge somewhere.”

“It’s? It’s? Key’s aren’t It’s?”

“No, I’m not talking to you.”

“Oh… why? Have I done something wrong. Who are you talking to?”

“Your daughter. She was looking for the laptop bag. If you’d taken your things up to the bedroom like I told you last night, you wouldn’t have to keep looking for everything would you?”

“What, my keys?”

“Every night I tell you, but do you listen? No you don’t. Nobody listens to me. I’m obviously just an annoying voice to you aren’t I?”

“No really, I er….”

“On and on and on, I must sound like a stuck record. I suppose you think I enjoy talking to a brick wall …”

“Ummm are you still talking to me or…”

“Dad, have YOU hidden my laptop bag?”

“No, my girl, but I’m looking for my keys… have you seen them?”

“MOM! Here it is!”

“….of course I have to know where EVERYTHING is… because I’m the wife and mother… but does anyone just give me the simple grace of just listening….”

“Mom! I found it! Thank goodness…”

“Oh good, now perhaps you can help ME find the car keys…”

“That diet we were talking about yesterday mom, I found it!…. Remember I said I had it printed out somewhere … but I couldn’t remember where… well it’s here right where I thought I had left my laptop bag….”

“I think I left them on the counter here… actually I thought I’d hung them up but obviously…”

“If we boil four cabbages, with some hickory oil and Parmesan cheese, then eat nothing else for eight weeks, apparently the weight will drop ….”

“I suppose I had better get you the spares from my handbag, because you can’t seem to hang YOUR keys up. Anybody would think you were twelve…”

“Jen says it will also detox your system so it’s good for the skin too, though her mom’s face went a bit green…”

“Now where is it?…. Has anyone seen it?”

“Um… no but surely we can find the original ke….”

“We need to buy Parmesan cheese, though. That’s very important. Dad do you know how much Parmesan cheese is? And where we can get some?"

“My goodness, why does everyone insist on moving my handbag to somewhere I can’t find it? Every day is the same. I put it down and someone shifts it somewhere else. WHERE IS IT?”

“In Cape Town, you know, when I go there next year, to study, I won’t have time to … you know… to get in shape… I’ll be too busy.... studying..”

“It’s got to be here somewhere and I have to find it because it’s got the address in…”

“Address? But I know where the office is, I just need the car keys? ANYONE?”

“Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten . I can’t believe you’ve forgotten!”

“I remember Lindy said that the hickory oil is like… sixty bucks… so make sure you have money, hey, Dad, not like last time..”

“I told you how many times… and you’ve forgotten. Do you not LISTEN to me at all?”

“… cos it was so embarrassing last week when you got to the till and you forgot your card, Dad”

“How CAN you forget? Honestly, you have a mind like a sieve. I even reminded you about it last night.”

“The cheese Dad, Please don’t forget the CHEESE!”

“CAN SOMEBODY GIVE ME SOME CAR KEYS? PLEASE?”

“…and it was so important, too. Well, important for me, but OBVIOUSLY not for you. But that’s the story of my life isn’t it…?”

“Look I HAVE to get to the office – someone’s coming to see me at… where’s my watch?”

“I suppose you’re going looking like that?”

“Like what?”

“Oh my word! The dog’s done it again! Mom! Dad! The dumb dog’s done it again!”

“Like that. I don’t know, sometimes I think you WANT to embarrass me.”

“What’s it done?”

“Can’t you find a better one?”

“A pooh!”

“.....That one smells a bit miff – I think it might be damp, and it’s the wrong sort of brown… I’m sure if you look you’ll find something more suitable to wear. How about finding that navy blue one? I like you in that navy blue…”

“But where?”

“On the bathroom floor. It’s pooed on the bathroom floor. Again! What’s with that dog?”

“Well if you hung it in the cupboard like I told you, then we wouldn’t have this problem, would we? Am I the only one who hangs up clothes in this house?”

“ But I like THIS shirt – and I’m going to wear it to work. I’ve often worn it to work and no-one’s complained”

“It’s disgusting and it reeks. It makes me nauseous even LOOKING at it. Can’t we keep the dog outside? Why do WE have to be the ones with POO on the floor IN THE BATHROOM?”

“Let me at least press it a bit, then maybe it won’t be so embarrassing. Can’t you feel - it’s not properly dry yet?”

“Look I’m going to have to step on it otherwise I AM going to be late!”

“None of my friends’ dogs EVER poo inside their houses. Really it’s beyond a joke, and I’M certainly not cleaning it up!”

“You better clean up a bit before our appointment, you look like you haven’t even showered this morning! How can you go to work like that?”

“I haven’t got time. Me and my girlfriend have a hair appointment. Ugh! Please will one of you take care of it quickly before the flies come?”

“If you arrive at our appointment looking like that I am going to kick up a SERIOUS stink!”

“I am SOOO late – and I STILL haven’t got keys. Can’t you help your mom find her handbag?”

“She's disgusting! Seriously, if she carries on like this I think we should make her sleep outside. At least until she’s housetrained. Or maybe we can find her a new home? ”

“I’ve found it! It was in the bedroom all the time. Oh, here’s your keys…. Why on earth did you put them in my handbag anyway?”

“Jenny says that there’s a pill we could give her which helps. It worked for her Chrissy.... though she did start smelling a bit more than usual, and they had to keep her away from small children… because it affected her mood and she started to bite…. ”

“If you don’t hurry you’re going to be late. And if you dare forget about our appointment you’re going to get a real mouthful from me! Now….. why have you put the car keys down?”

“I’m not going to work anymore, I think I’m going to walk to the pub instead..”

“To the what?”

“Dad?”

“Yes my girl,”

“Can I come with you?”

“My girl....?"

"Yes, dad, I know, I'd be mad if I didn't!"

Dear Sir,

I wish to register a complaint, and I was wondering if you might be so kind as to forward it to the correct authorities so that I might glean some sort of response.

My concerns are to do with a certain industry within the village. An industry of which myself and my colleagues are an integral part. To wit - The Crime Industry.

You see my organisation - The SPTG (Sedgefield Petty Thieves' Guild) - has been a major role-player in this local industry for a number of years and, we like to believe, has become quite successful in its own right. As chairperson of the organisation I can proudly point out that since our inception in 2001, the SPTG has become synonymous with all aspects of petty crime in the village (and indeed its surrounds). In fact one might say that we have become the household name for crime in Sedgefield.

Furthermore, we are of the educated opinion that our little group has put the village ‘on the map’ as it were, in the popular underworld of criminal activity.

There’s no doubt that the efforts of our committee and members have not gone unnoticed by the hierarchy of SAPTA (South African Petty Theft Association):- The fact that we have won numerous prestigious national awards pays tribute to this. These include the coveted "Best Grab Through Window" (Cell phone category)for 2003, the "Most Garden Implements Illegally Acquired in a single month" for 2005 and 2006, the "Holiday Home Liquor Lift" for which one of our members broke the record in January 2009, and of course the team event - the "Builder's Site Midnight Raid" of 2011 which culminated in the beautiful renovations of our clubhouse (address withheld).

To date our members have proudly upheld our self sufficiency motto "We Help Ourselves" with a clean record of no personal injury to any of our customers and/or suppliers, and minimal damage to any property. (One exception - the much spoken about 'Bent burglar bars' incident of 2010 - is still under investigation by SAPTA - we still firmly believe that this was not one of our members, but a renegade student uneducated in the finer arts of homestead window 'fishing').

What should also be noted is our ‘clean audit’ record from 2005 until the current year – which in a nutshell means that our ‘Incarceration Average’ (or for the man on the street, ‘time spent behind bars’) has been kept well below the set level of three months per annum per 20 members. Obviously this level could only be possible with an impressive escape from arrest average, of which we are rather proud.

But of course the reason for this letter is not to shower our Petty Thieves Guild with praise – but to protect or members’ livelihood.

Why? Because it seems times are changing for the worse, and the quiet ‘below the radar’ way of life for our hardworking, quick-fingered and peace-loving members is being threatened. It has come to our notice that other, much larger crime franchises - some of them nationally based, are being allowed to move into this area, without any public participation process being entered into!

This begs the question:- Is local industry being looked after? With takings already being more than a little tight, why are more players being permitted to further minimise the already meagre living our members are managing to steal?

We do understand that competition is healthy, but can our small community support this influx? We have already seen several members of the HSF (Handbag Snatching Forum) working the Sedgefield streets - this when that association's constitution clearly states that members may NOT operate in areas of population less than 20 000.

Furthermore, we have it on good authority that the directors of the board of the Port Elizabeth VS&G (Vehicular Smash and Grab) franchise has already sanctioned an advance party to begin proceedings for the setting up of a Garden Route Branch in Sedgefield:- This when the village does not even fall within the Eastern Cape catchment area!

Once again we understand that it is a free world, and many might say that it is time that Sedgefield caught up with the rest of South Africa so that its residents may enjoy all the criminal options available elsewhere in the country, but at what cost to our tiny local theft industry? Is the small, independent petty thief soon to be extinct, shut down by bigger, heartless corporate machines that steal only for profit rather than to support a family?

It goes without saying that our local members spend almost all of their hard-stolen earnings right here in Sedgefield - locals supporting locals one might say? Surely it is obvious that the larger franchises will simply suck the village dry.

Where will it end? We believe that once one or two of the national crime franchises are allowed a foot in the door (or an arm through the security gate) there will be no stopping the influx. Next the CHU (Car Hijackers Union) will be granted full access to our intersections, and Muggers-r-Us will be winning tenders for operating around all of our ATMs and, Heaven forbid, OUR MARKETS!

And we all know that once they are in, it won’t be long before the League of Murderers will be vying for street frontage.

Please realise that we are not asking for a ‘police state’ or anything like that – simply a little more control by the authorities as to the numbers of crime-industry players allowed to set up trade (for want of a better word), and prudence in what sort of criminal elements are synonymous with the quiet, laid back character of the Garden Route that we petty thieves have come to know and love.

For example after well-attended bilateral talks with the gentlemen of SAFU (South African Flashers Union) SPTG already has an agreement in place with that group, granting them limited access to certain points in the Village, and only over high season periods.

Likewise members of the NWCCS (National White Collar Crime Syndicate) have agreed in writing that though their members are allowed to visit Sedgefield to do normal fishing, they may NOT extract funds, or indeed bank details, from any locals by electronic means.

But whilst these two groups are, in our educated view, low-impact players in the crime industry, if we do not put a stop to the influx and overtrading of high-impact criminal associations such as described earlier in this letter, there is no saying where our industry will be in a few years time. What next? Will we be opening our village to members of parliament?

Please will those in authority put a stop to this unchecked influx!

Kind regards
B Webb