If Noah lived in the Garden Route today....

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And so The Lord found Noah retired in Sedgefield and spaketh unto him.

“Noah, I am tired of the evil ways of the people of the Earth. In one year I am going to maketh it rain for forty days and forty nights and, lo, shall the whole world be covered in water until all flesh is destroyed.

"But harken this, Noah, I needeth thee to save the righteous people, and two of every kind of living thing that roameth on and flyeth above the Earth. Therefore I am commanding thee to build an ark.”

In a flash of lightening God delivered the specifications for the ark and, trembling in fear, Noah took up those measurements and vowed to commence the process.
“Remember,” spaketh the Lord, “Thou must complete the task in one year, upon which time I shall return.”

And verily, one year did pass. And, as the storm clouds didst gather above the Earth, God called upon Sedgefield to find Noah.

But lo and behold, there was no ark in site.
“Noah! Where is the ark?” boomed the voice of The Lord from on high.

Noah looked downcast and spaketh unto the Lord.
“ I'm afraid there isn't one. You see it isn't that simple. Making an ark I mean. Believe me Lord, I have tried and tried but….. Perhaps I should explain.

“I mentioned to a neighbour that I might need to borrow his saw for a project, and he asked me what it was. Foolishly I told him about the ark and next thing I knew I had a letter from him and the neighbours on the other side, stating that I had to submit plans to the municipality for a structure that size. So I submitted the plans you gave me but I’m sorry to say they were rejected. Apparently a cubit isn't a recognised measurement.

So then I got a draughtsman to redraw the plans and resubmitted.

“ Of course because I was then seen as a boat builder, it meant my garden had to be rezoned by the municipality as 'Light Industrial' and both neighbours objected. I asked what the problem was and they said the structure would block the sunlight. I told them they wouldn't have to be worried about the sunlight once the rain started – but this didn't help my case.

“Meanwhile I was having HUGE problems trying to source Gopher wood. It had been deemed an illegal alien so no-one would grow it. I tried to harvest some Gum trees locally but the Egrets were nesting again, so Cape Nature said I had to hold back until the chicks were big enough to fly. Then the Sedgefield Tree Committee refused permission anyway.

“When I finally did locate a source of timber (Sorry Lord but it is SA Pine) and started the process of cutting it into planks, Eskom started loadshedding, so I had to send all the carpenters home. The power was back on the next day but by then the carpenters had formed a union and went on strike. Whilst negotiating I employed some foreign nationals, but that only lasted until the Mossel Bay immigration officials came to Sedgefield and arrested them.

“Then the Sedgefield Flood Committee sent me an angry letter saying that instead of building an ark I should be campaigning to SANParks for the Swartvlei Rivermouth to be opened earlier because then there wouldn't be a flood. Then SANParks sent a ranger round to tell me I couldn't launch the ark until the estuary level had reached two metres.

Furthermore they said that according to their new tariffs a craft the size I was attempting to build would cost R4 000 000 to license, and that I would need at least 300 life jackets and 228 fire extinguishers on board.

“I started rounding up the animals but even that became a real circus. The entrance to my property was barricaded by protest groups who insisted it was wrong to keep animals in captivity for ANY length of time, and how did I know if I was taking the correct two of each species with me. It didn’t help matters when some American dentist shot one of my lions - that was all over Sedgefield Locals facebook page and soon there was an anti-ark petition started.

“By then the Department of Environmental Affairs had set the 'Green Scorpions' on me because they had got wind of what they called my ‘Proposed Flood’. They gave me a court order demanding I conduct an Environmental Impact Assessment so that Interested and Affected Parties could have the opportunity to object to the Proposed Flood if they felt so inclined.

“I employed an environmental consultant and, on her advice, a series of public meetings was held. It's probably a good thing you didn't attend any of them Lord, because chances are you might well have smote at least a dozen people there and then.

"They refused to accept that, as Creator of the Universe, you had total jurisdiction, and they demanded that, even if it did rain for forty days and forty nights, they would still have the right to walk their dogs on the beach.

“Obviously I couldn't give them any such guarantee, so they insisted the Municipality's Town Planning Department get involved again. I was asked to submit a detailed plan of the proposed new flood plain, so I gave them a globe. This did not go down well, Lord - apparently it should have been in at least three of South Africa's 11 national languages.

“As if this was not enough, the Ratepayers asked for written proof that the flood would not lower the market value of any properties; Tourism insisted that I put everything on hold until a marketing campaign be initiated to launch the brand 'KnysFlood'; and attorneys from both the DA and the ANC accused me of initiating a flood campaign to swing the demarcation process in favour of the other party (I must say I'm finding it very hard to cope with this).

“Furthermore SAARP asked for a 10% discount for any of their members wishing to buy what they called a 'cruise' ticket, and when I pointed out that it was only my family and their spouses who could come aboard, someone leaked it to the Sports Commission who demanded I implement a quota system so that the people saved would be a true reflection of South Africa's rainbow demography.
“And then someone started a Whatsapp group called Ark Lark and suddenly a huge argument broke out between some of the members and….”

“STOP!” Commanded The Lord. “I am losing my patience. Ist thou telling me that The Ark is not even complete?”

Noah sighed.

“Actually, Lord, I did manage to finish it last week but, well, I’m afraid that before I could get any of the animals on board…. something happened,”

“WHAT?” asked The Lord, and the whole world did shake with his frustration.
“One of the George taxi associations saw it as ‘passenger carrying competition, and, well, they held a protest march and burnt the ark."

“I think I am going to lie down,” said The Lord.

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