What have I achieved today?

.
I'm sorry about this week's article having very minimal content. You see I've been very busy.... achieving absolutely nothing.

Strange, but true, I'm afraid.  And it's not by choice.  I don't PLAN to achieve nothing.  I always AIM to get loads of things done, written, designed, managed, created, etc etc

But some days there's just no…..  Excuse me......

“Hello? Yes. This is the editor speaking, How can I help you sir?... Sorry MADAM… How can I….. Oh I see.  You have a problem with your neighbour's vicious Rottweiler?  Barking?  All day? My goodness that must be terrible for you ma'am.  Yes I understand.  Days of Our Lives? Yes I agree that's not good enough. It can't be easy watching TV whilst your neighbour's dog is barking non-stop.  22b Hyacinth Close. No, ma'am I cannot come and take a photograph of the dog… or your neighbour.  Pardon me? First it was the overhanging tree, now it's the dog?  No, I must admit, I can't hear it barking through the phone… yes… I'm listening… no I still can't hear… No I am NOT deaf ma'am.  Ok I'll try the other ear... Sorry still nothing I'm afraid.  Perhaps if you…OUCH!!!! WOW THAT IS LOUD! Does it really bark like that all day?   … oh  that was YOU barking… like the dog…. So I could tell what it's like… no please don't do it ag… OUCH! Madam PLEASE STOP BARKING AT ME!  I think I get the idea now, but I still cannot come and take… Your husband? No I don't think I need to speak to… Hello sir. Yes, I gather so… a dog…. On and on and on, yes…. It's madness, on and on and on,  all day long….on and on and on and...  Are we still talking about the dog sir?  Oh good.  And have you asked your neighbour to put it away?  No?  I see, you don't want to be on bad terms with them?  But you think I should take a picture and publish it, to stop the dog barking?  I see sir.  Oh… and you want me to keep your name out of it sir.  Absolutely sir.  Ooh, hang on, the line is going funny… perhaps it's the noise of the dog……..”

  Where was I?  Ah yes, I was achieving nothing.  Nada. Nix. Nil.  It has simply been one of those days when you can't …. Pardon?  Call for me?
“Hello?  How can I help you? Yes I am sitting down. Mmmm, I do have a pen… yes and paper.  Who is speaking please?  Oh.  You wish to remain anonymous.  Ok.  What is the problem sir?  No I promise I cannot trace your call.  Yes, no police involvement, I have got that.  Sir?  SIR! I cannot understand you properly if you whisper.  Please repeat that.  No I will not show my notes to anyone.  Yes, alone.  Promise.  No-one else in my office at all. The door IS shut sir. Oh, that's just the radio sir. Yes.  Promise.  Now, could you repeat what you said please?  Pardon?..... Sir, do you perhaps have your handkerchief over the mouthpiece?  No I do not have voice recognition on my computer sir.  Once again I promise.   Ok…… go ahead….. mmmmm, ……. I see…….. …………………… …………………………………………….……………………………………………………  I see.  If I could just check that back with you sir?:- What you are saying is that the speed humps on the Island are not built to the exact CSIR regulatory standards?  Two centimetres too high?  As much as that eh? And the wrong angle…… Well, sir, I am so very glad you have let me know.  I am going to take this tip-off directly to our Inferior Roads Investigation reporter, and ask if he and his team can look into it.  Absolutely sir.  Heads will roll.   Thank you sir….goodbye.”

Have you ever had such a day?  I'm sure you have.  No sooner have you sat down to try and get some work don….. Yes? Who is here to see me?  Does he have an appointment?  Oh dear....It's just that I'm trying to get some work done…. Ok  I'll see him, but if I am not done in twenty minutes call me on my cell phone alright?

“Oh helloooo, it's so nice to see you again.  Yes, not since last year when you came to visit Sedgefield.  Oh a holiday again?  Yes it is nice here isn't it…. Sorry, what was your name again?  Oh yes, Mrs Schnickkelgruber, of course I remember now.  Well thank you so much for popping in and seeing us, it has…. Oh pictures of your grandchildren?  How many? Twelve? That's so nice.  Mmmmm . And this is the oldest……………… ……………………………………………………………………………………And (finally) this is your dog?  What a nice looking fellow he is Mrs Schnucklegrinder…. Oh  I'm so sorry!  I really didn't know.  Three months ago… well I'm sure it will get easier as time passes… 'Kennel in the sky' and that sort of thing?  Oh dear,  would you like a tissue? Yes that is old for a Labrador.  Bowel failure?  Oh … and it…. Ooh! That must have been….. Oh well Mrs Schnafflebearer, it was wonderful to see you again  I am so sorry to cut you short but as you can hear my cell phone is ringing …..”

 Hello? Thanks for doing that I thought I was going to be kept busy for….  Oh it's you again ma'am.  I see.  You have your cell phone by the fence so I can hear the dog barking.  Yes I think I can hear it now….. It sounds like a small dog …. Pardon?  If it's not the neighbour's dog then…? Oh it's YOUR dog, barking at the dog next door.  But the neighbour's dog has a more annoying bark.  Ok I see.  No, I haven't changed my mind about the picture… sorry… I can't hear….it seems you are breaking up…….”

Really, I have barely had time to even turn on  my computer all day.  It has been a madhou….  Yes?! Did I not say hold my calls? I didn't?  Well I thought it I'm sure.  Ok put her through…..

“Can I hel………….. I'm SO sorry that you are so disappointed with us ma'am. Oh?  Sorry isn't good enough?  Well I'm sorry about that too.  Pray do tell -  what particular evil did we perpetrate this time? Ma'am I can't hear if you shout, it distorts the phone.  You say we spent your doctor's game thong? I don't under….. OH! We spelled your daughter's name wrong.  I am so sorry. I do apologise, sincerely, from the bottom of our entire staff's collective heart. Could you enlighten me as to which article this tragic literary abomination appeared?  I see, let me check…. I have it in front of me now  … it says “Pictured left are Girl Guides  Rita Hopwith, Shirley Templeman  and Harriet Grizwold receiving their badges..” Oh… Shirlea is it.  With an 'a'.  Yes ma'am I understand that we got it wrong. No, no birth certificate needed at all.  I accept the blame.  Wholeheartedly.  I was wrong.  I was erroneous. I was a bad, bad, BAD editor.  Heads will roll, ma'am.  We don't let an 'a' instead of a 'y' go unpunished in this newspaper.  I will go and plug in the electric chair and sharpen the meat hooks immediately.  Pardon Ma'am? A printed apology in the next paper? Do you really think that necessary?  Of course you do.  Yes, I can only imagine  the anguish we have caused.  Mmmmm, HUGE repercussions. I don't know how she can possibly carry on living a normal life.  Could I not perhaps just send you a picture of our proof reader torn in four by wild horses?  Yes ma'am I AM taking you seriously.  Of course.  My address? You want to talk face to face?  Well, er… that would be fine, Ma'am.  You are most welcome to pop in…22b Hyacinth Close … HYACINTH  yes, like the flower - and don't mind the dog, his bark is worse than his bite…. You can just come right in and give him a big old hug….Yes ma’am, a hug...
.