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Gnhhhhuh?

Sorry, I may seem somewhat feeble, not as energetic as my usual self, and perhaps a little cranky. You see, I am in recovery mode.

 Let me explain:- Late one evening, almost two weeks ago, I was sitting watching CSI on TV when I suddenly thought to myself
“Oh golly gosh!  It seems I have a little discomfort in my throat and a very slight stuffiness in my head.  Perhaps I am coming down with a little cold?”

Grabbing an extra ‘blanky’ from the cupboard and casually gobbling a vitamin C tablet, I bade my family good night and truffled happily up to bed, congratulating myself on the good sense of catching this minor ailment timeously and thus ensuring that I would be right as rain first thing in the morning.

Which I would have.  Normally.

Because I don’t get sick. Normally.

But it seems that sometime whilst I was sleeping (I would imagine somewhere between midnight and four in the morning), somebody opened our front door and herded 27 overweight buffalo into our bedroom, across my chest, and out again.  Perhaps not satisfied with this action, they then whistled in a small nation of pygmies, say about 400 or so, armed them with knobkerries and told them I was on fire and needed beating out.

This done, a siphon hose was then used to fill any empty space in my skull / nasal cavity / eye sockets with a 1:4 mixture of custard and coarse river sand.

  The next day I (sort of) woke up with a temperature that made my armpit suitable for a kilning facilities. 

I had The 'flu. 

The 'flu. 

Yes I repeat myself, so that you get the emphasis.

THE emphasis.

But not play-play ‘flu.  Not ‘a ‘flu’ .  The real, genuine article.

Let me explain.  My mother, aka “The Matriarch” (God rest her soul), was a nurse, and used to have a thing about The 'flu.  (Or should I say 'not The 'flu' - that is the question?), mainly because every Tom Dick, Harry and Sally claimed to be suffering from it, when according to Mom, all they actually had was a namby pamby little common head cold.  It used to drive her mad.

Especially when people were so flippant about it.
  “Sorry I missed bingo last night, I had the flu!” a friend would gaily mention in the supermarket aisle.
“My game wasn't at its best this afternoon, I think I might have the flu,”  my dad's tennis partner would remark.
 “Does this'93 Cabernet Sauvignon taste less woody on the palate than usual? Or is this ‘flu affecting my tastebuds?” she would overhear at a restaurant.

Where ever she went it seemed that misuse of the 'flu was epidemic.

Of course when she heard one of these nonsensical claims, Mom would never be so rude as to point out to the person that he or she was an absolute woosie with nowt wrong except perhaps a slight back up of traffic in the nostril department.  No, on hearing someone talk of the 'flu she would raise her eyes to the horizon and whisper under her breath:-
“Thou' shouldnae wish that thar luuurgy 'pon yerself, thoust moight wish fer 'n early grave before awantin' that!”  …. which I have to admit was quite odd, considering she didn't speak Ancient English at any other time.

I , of course, thought she was over reacting…. Like she had done in the past whenever I backed the family car into the fishpond…. Or mistakenly invited seventeen of my sixth form mates to stay for a weekend.

But that was before this recent episode when I well and truly I got it for the first time..  The 'flu.  THE 'FLU.   Eish!

And I am now a convert.  A disciple of my late mother's thinking. 

Now I know why it has the The . 
The 'flu.

Why is the The important?  Well, on occasion I have heard people mention that they “might have picked up a bit of a 'flu” … (note the 'a'?)….

Which they obviously didn't.  Otherwise they would have used the The.

It is The 'flu.  Just like it was 'The plague' and  'The Black Death'.  In ancient days one didn’t simply pick up ‘ a bit of a plague’ ...  I think not.    Similarly The The in The 'flu gives it its seriousness.

It is a sinister The.

A The that anyone who has ever been hit by this virus will insist upon using.

In fact, come to think about it, after its rather descriptive 'The', the word 'flu is actually a bit of a let down, isn't it?  Something that one did over a cuckoo's nest? 
Perhaps part of a chimney?

Hardly an adequate description for days and nights of mortal agony, the recovery from which requires superhuman strength.....  It doesn't even help if you use the full length word:- 'Influenza'  because then it sounds like you were in bed with the latest family four-door from Fiat.

Personally speaking, (from the experience of my near death experience) I think members of the health fraternity should  consider inserting a descriptive phrase in between ‘The’ and ‘Flu’ :- The 'Baseball Bat' Flu or perhaps  The 'Falling Grand Piano' Flu.

But I digress.  My current gripe, as a survivor of The ‘flu, (is there a roll of honour I should be included in?) is that these people who have claimed willy-nilly to have experienced it themselves (perhaps in the car on the way to work… “Ooh, I just had a quick flu!” or during ½ time when the rugby is on “I'm just going to lie down for a few minutes to shake off this flu.”) have watered down the from the terrible, near-death experience that it is, to just a common cold.

 This has made it very difficult for us genuine sufferers to glean the deep and caring sympathy that is so rightfully ours.

  Really. Tell people that you have had The 'flu nowadays and they barely bother to furrow their brows, never mind offering  large dishes of steaming chicken soup or lasagne or bottles of expensive single malt medicinal whisky, which might in some very small way, compensate for the extreme pain and stress your poor body has endured for the sake of humanity.
 
Worse yet, one guy I recently described my illness to threw in...
  “Yes… I had a flu 12 times last winter, once while I was playing in a rugby match!  That's why I now drink tea made with a raw garlic clove, and I NEVER step on a crack in the pavement.” 
Of course I was so angry I wanted to hit him.  With a baseball bat. To take his raw garlic clove and shove it.......

... and perhaps I will, one day.  But I’ll have to wait until I’m feeling a little stronger.... and the Buzzing has stopped in my brain....
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