Phone sales people - they just don't understand....

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“Hello, T'Ed residence, may I help you?”

“Good day Sir, how are you this fine day?”

“Well, now that you ask I'm actually a bit….'

“So nice to hear that Sir, and I'm fine too..”

“Oh…. So… Is there someone in particular you would like to sp…”

“You Sir!”

“I beg yo…”

“You Sir, I would like to speak to you. Just one question I would like you to answer. Would you say you are a decision-maker?”

“A what?”

“Decision-maker. Are you a decision maker Sir?”

“Well yes. I think so. Um….. hang on (Honey, would you say that I'm a decision maker? Uhuh… some guy on the phone wants to know if I'm a decision maker. What can I tell him? Yes? May I really? Oh good. Thanks) Yes! I am a decision maker.”

“Oh good Sir, I thought you sounded like just such a person. I'm very glad you said yes because I have got very good news for you!”

“Good news? Oh brilliant. It's time we had some of that, what with the geyser and the washing mach….. Haaaangggg on. Are you selling something? Because if you are I am really not….”

“No Sir! Absolutely not! I would never dream of approaching someone like yourself with any sort of sales gimmick call.”

“Good, because, for a moment I thought…”

“Aaah – you see Sir, it is such a pleasure to speak to a thinking man, who is also a decision maker.”

“Oh well, er… thank you… I think..”

<b>“So Sir, as the decision maker of your family I would like to put something to you.”

“Of the family? Ummm, I'm not sure if I'm the …. Hang on (Honey, now he says I'm the decision maker OF THE FAMILY…. And it…. Am I really? Are you sure? Oh wow!) Yes, I am our family's decision maker…. apparently.”

“I had no doubt whatsoever Sir. So what I would like to put to you, Sir, is this. Would Sir's family, of which Sir is obviously the head, be needing supplementary income?”

“Head of the family? My word, that's pushing it a bit, but I'll go along with it at the moment, (just don't say it too loudly. She's in the next room.) Now - what was the rest of it again?”

“Would Sir's family be needing extra money at the end of the month?”

“Waidaminnit. Is this Joe from the bottlestore? Look mate I told you that I would only be able to pay you by…”

“No sir. I am not from a bottle store. I just would like to know if your family is comfortable. Financially I mean.”

“Have you been talking to my bank manager? Because he has no right to release….”

“No Sir. Definitely not. We are not affiliated to any financial institution. Perhaps I should put it another way. How would Sir like to earn extra money every month … without actually working for it?”

“Earn extra money? Without working? This has got to be a prank call. Hey, is that you bro? I thought I recognised the….”

“You see Sir, I know of the perfect way in which a leader such as yourself, a dedicated, intelligent family man, who is obviously the sort of person who would like to maximise the time spent with his loved ones, can do just that. Tell me, does Sir have children?”

“Er yes… two. But if you are thinking of putting them to work, well, I wish you all the luck in the world….. because I seriously don't think….”

“Two children? Oh that is wonderful. Actually I could tell by Sir's voice. That's why I referred to Sir as a 'Family Man' earlier. Tell me Sir, these children, whom I'm sure you love dearly, does Sir want the best for them? Are they at school?”

“Actually they have finished school, one due to start studying next year…. Again…. and the other is… well…. In between contracts?”

“That is wonderful. Might I first congratulate Sir on getting them both through school?”

“Oh, thanks… very kind of you. Though I must say it certainly wasn't easy. Especially when The REE wanted to….”

“Yes sir, and may I also point out that now is when the REAL outlay comes, isn't it?”

“Are you sure you haven't been speaking to my bank manager….?”

“They will be wanting cars, rental deposits for a flat, books, extra tuition, college fees….. Am I right Sir?”

“(Sigh)”

“…Not to mention money for food and entertainment whilst they are living way from Sir's home…”

“Yes. You don't have to tell me. Sometimes I think they are eating Caviar every night. They must certainly be living better than us because the amount of money that…..”

“Which is why Sir has to enter the stock market.”

“The…. Stock ….. Market?”

“Yes indeed Sir. You have heard of the Johannesburg Stock Exchange, I'm sure?”

“Er yes… of course. But wha…”

“And though some people, people obviously without the leadership qualities and decision-making ability that Sir has, may find the JSE a little daunting, we have got the perfect product for Sir, to make his JSE experience, well - a walk in the park.”

“But doesn't it take mo….”

“And the best thing is, Sir, our product is GUARANTEED.”

“But…”

“Absolutely Sir. Because you are on our shortlist, we want you to try our state-of-the-art computer program, that stock market experts have been designing and testing over the last five years. Isn't that good news Sir? Imagine, you will be on the forefront of technology which, to put it simply, will show you EXACTLY when to buy and when to sell. Technology which will double, no TREBLE your initial investment in less than a year. How would Sir like to be able to pay of Sir's debt?”

“Well obviously I…”

“And Sir would probably be keen on going on an overseas holiday, now the kids are out the house?”

“Yes, but…”

“You know Sir, it is such a pleasure speaking to someone who knows what he wants. That is a rare quality these days. I must say Sir, you certainly do tick all the boxes and I am really excited to be working with you on this.”

“Can you just back up a bit. Did you say overseas holiday?”

“Ha ha, yes Sir, you are talking my language. And it really is so simple, Sir. Once we have captured all your details we will have you up and trading in a matter of days.”

“Are you sure about this…. An OVERSEAS HOLIDAY…. WITHOUT THE CHILDREN?”

“Indeed sir, indeed. Wherever you want. Right, now if I can just have Sir's details. You know, so that we can set the program up and running. The quicker we do this, the closer you'll be to booking that ticket to Europe. Let's start with full name, address, ID number and Credit Card details.”

“My full name is…… hang on – did you say Credit Card details?”

“Yes sir. Just for the cost of the program – which you will definitely earn back within your first two months of trading. And of course for the initial investment amount which goes from R45 000 upwards, depending on whether Sir would like to have Gold, Platinum or Diamond status”

“But we don't have a credit card. We used to but, well the bank manager cut …. HANG ON - HOW MUCH DID YOU SAY?”

"The entry level amount is only R45 000, but I'm sure someone of Sir's high standing would prefer to join at a higher level… May I suggest that Sir looks at the advantages of Diamond status? For only a kick off investment of R500 000 Sir will get the full on adv….. Sir? Sir? Why is Sir laughing?”

“R45 000? (Ha ha ha ha ha ha)”

“Sir, I am starting to think that Sir might not be taking me seriously?”

“R500 000? (Ha ha ha ha hahahahahahah)”

“Is Sir telling me that perhaps he is NOT the decision-maker of the family?”

“Di…. Di….. Diamond Status? (HAHAHAHAHAH),”

“Sir I think I am left with no choice but to end this call, if you aren't going to take….”

“Hahahaha NO PLEASE, don't go. Don't stop now. (Hehehehehe) Please just do me a favour – will you tell my wife the whole deal? Please!”

“Is SHE the decision-maker in the family?”

“No. .Yes. Actually I'm not sure. It's just that she's a bit down at the moment because she's doing the accounts and trying to decide which bills to pay. So if you could share the details of your proposal…. Especially the (gnmmmph) bit about the (mmmmphfff) minimum investment (MPHWAAHAHAHA) .”

“Very well then. Could you put her on the line?”

“Absolutely! .... “I'd be MA-(HAHAHAH)-AD if I didn't!”