Making Money

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Hmmmmm. It gets very quiet, doesn’t it. These months when Sedgefield sits back on its haunches, nervously chewing on its fingernails for sustenance whilst waiting in eager (and hopeful) anticipation of the arrival of the next batch of visitors.

Of course this is when the Ed family is at its busiest, because it is, after all, THAT Time. The time that we embark on our various plans and missions to survive until The BIG Break.

It’s going to happen soon – The BIG Break. I can feel it in my bones.

Yes, I know I’ve been saying it every year, but really – one can only buy so many lotto tickets before a win becomes almost a dead cert. We buy at least one a month… most months.

Mind you, don’t think for one moment that I would be foolish enough to put all my eggs in one lottery basket. That would be absolute madness, wouldn’t it? No. I’m quite sensible about things like this. I realise that there’s no such thing as an easy way to make a million, so I work hard to ensure that Mrs Ed also picks up Powerball tickets AND enters the Readers’ Digest Sweepstakes, not to mention the lengthy email communication I have embarked on with Prince Omhlangarango of Central Africa.

Have you heard of him? I must admit I hadn’t, nor even the Kingdom of Bandabanda – but according to the facts on a ‘pdf’ The Prince sent me, it was actually the fourth richest oil country in the world…. Before the military coup that is.

Strange actually, that of all people he could have contacted, His Royal Highness chose me. Perhaps it was fate. Or maybe some sort of North African intuition he had that I would be sympathetic to his cause. And I AM sympathetic.

Imagine it – being deposed and chased away from his monarchy and not even being able to open a bank account for fear of persecution?

So yes, Prince Omhlangarango’s instincts were correct and I was only too happy to share my bank account with him. And please don’t for a single minute think that my decision to make this generous international gesture was swayed by the promise of fifty percent of his money (though the ‘489 000 000 Great British Pounds’ will certainly help pay off the bottle store account).

But of course no good deed goes unpunished, and needless to say we have been faced with no end of red tape. Only minutes after I sent him the details of my bank account – along with the pin number and pass words (apparently all that information is needed in Bandabanda – even if you are just making a deposit) he replied that he couldn’t use that account at all.

He asked if I perhaps had another one with some money in it (there’s such strict ‘minimum balance’ laws in Bandabanda – no wonder the people decided to revolt) but of course that’s not really something anyone in my family has. And my attempts to extend the overdraft resulted in the usual failure, and guffawing of the bank manager. (I can’t wait for the Great British Pounds to come through so I can buy out Standard – and then I PROMISE I’ll open a branch in Sedgefield).

Anyway I must admit, I’m not 100% sure anything is going to come of this. I’m actually starting to suspect all is not as it seems. Since my fifth email to The Prince about the bank account still being empty and apologies for my family’s strange reluctance to lend me R400 000 just to put it in a positive balance (which The Prince would of course pay back with interest), the tone of his emails has changed somewhat - He’s even used some words which I am convinced might be Bandabandese expletives. I have suspicions that General Nyathamampala (the fellow who led the military coup) has intercepted The Prince’s emails and is trying to get in on the deal…..

So where, you ask (it really is so nice that you care, thank you), does that leave us? Well, whilst we sit waiting for The Prince to sort his money out, it is THAT Time. The time we have to make ends meet here in the Garden Route.

You may remember that whilst my daughter, aka Fear Factor (still learning to drive) is away studying in Cape Town (she swears blind the fire had nothing to do with her clutch burning out), her older brother The REE (Resident Expert on Everything) is back home, ostensibly to spend quality time with us, though I suspect he is just fattening himself up for his next sojourn to the Mother City.

So THAT Time involves all three of us – because he has quickly learned that eating at home isn’t quite as pleasant after the chicken bones have been boiled for the fourth day in a row.

Not that we are getting any quality input from The REE, ideas-wise. After instructing him to have a good hard look at his talents and how he can utilize them for putting bread on the table, his response was “People should pay me for being totally awesome.”

I told him he should really raise the bar. He said he had already approached most of the bars in Sedgefield but none of them had agreed on his ‘Appearance Fee’ . Indeed most of them asked HIM for money – apparently someone in his immediate family has left a few tabs unpaid…..

Mrs Ed has gone back to the drawing board after her home-made bread samples did not pass the criteria set by her (ex) friends at the Bricklayers Guild (something to do with the excess weight), and for a while I too was really battling to find motivation since all the forms for my Sponsored Beer-Drink have been returned blank.

But then it hit me. The Perfect Plan! The more I thought about it the more I knew, it was IT! The BMMI (BIG Money Making Idea). It’s infallible. Brilliant. And so easy too!

Obviously I can’t go into it here in too much detail, because then EVERYONE will want to try it. But there certainly is room for a few others who would like to make some moolah with me..

So what I thought is that I would choose just a few of my loyal readers to share my fantastic money making plan.

If you are interested, (who wouldn’t be?) and want me to send full details of this amazingly foolproof plan, all you have to do is drop a self addressed envelope containing R1500 in cash at The EDGE offices, clearly marked with ‘Ted’s BIG Money Making Idea’ …..
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