Studying Biology with my daughter

We’re studying Matric Biology this year...

I suppose I should qualify that. My daughter, ‘Fear Factor’ (she’s STILL learning to drive, and as a parent I have vetoed her suggestion of renaming herself ‘Fast and Furious’) is studying biology, because she didn’t study it at school and, as she wants to be a nurse, she needs to have matric biology.

“Why didn’t she do it as a subject at school?” you ask. You did, didn’t you? Oh? It wasn’t you? Oh…. That’s strange, because I distinctly heard SOMEONE asking…. And it wasn’t like the normal voices in my head….

Anyway. To answer the question, whose-ever it was, there is a reason she didn’t study biology at school. At the age of 15, when the infinitely wise Education Department insisted she decide what subjects she should write for matric, she hadn’t yet planned her life out.

Not like most girls who obviously (well, according to the Education Department) hit their mid teens and say
“Oh I think in three years’ time I will do a BCom, and then perhaps do a postgraduate MBA, before, of course, I move on to a Doctorate in Silly Things.”

No. Strangely enough, at 15 the career path that my daughter had in mind was quite different.

She wanted to be a one armed surfer.

Shall I explain?

Really?

Oh ok. But only if you insist.

This goes back a long time, from when Fear Factor was a little girl and first discovered the tv remote control button. From that day on she linked the ‘What she wants to be when she leaves school’ question to the dreaded ‘goggle-box’.

It all depended, you see, on what her favourite movie / TV show was, at the time.

For example, for quite a while Fear Factor thought Waitressing At A Coffee Bar (preferably one in New York called ‘Central Perk’) would be the perfect job, because then she would get to rub shoulders with ‘Friends’ like Joey and Ross and Rachel and Phoebe, …..

…..then she shifted to being a Police Forensic Expert because, well, Lieutenant Horatio Caine would no doubt find her assistance invaluable on the various crime scenes in CSI Miami.

Now you might wonder why we didn’t rush her off for psychiatric evaluation immediately, but we actually thought these career choices didn't actually seem too bad.

Perhaps you would have been of the same mind if you considered her earlier years, when she dabbled with the important idea of Becoming A Purple Dinosaur, the Headmistress Of A School For Wizards, and an Ogre Princess (green).

So, having seen the movie ‘Soul Surfer’ at the age of fifteen, barely a week before her matric subject choice had to be made, she understandably leaned towards classes that would be of most use to Someone Whose Arm Was Soon To Be Bitten Off By A Shark Prior To A Surfing Competition. Surprisingly biology wasn’t among them.

Of course by the time she was 17 she realized that perhaps there wouldn’t be THAT much money in one-armed surfing, and she would rather actually keep all her limbs(local drivers may heave a collective sigh of relief) and do nursing, (I think she had borrowed the ‘Grey’s Anatomy series from a friend). But alas, it was too late to change her matric subjects.

So now she is studying biology during her ‘gap year’.

Which means all of us are studying it. ESPECIALLY Mrs Ed. In fact I think Mrs Ed has learned more about biology this year than Fear Factor herself.

Actually I am exceptionally impressed with the old battle axe:- despite her advanced years and limited brain capacity, she is certainly throwing herself at the subject. It seems she eats, sleeps and breathes Biology.

And me? I must say I feel rather inadequate, because I am unable to help.

I’ve somehow lost my DAD mojo.

You see for many years Fear Factor and her brother The REE (Resident Expert on Everything) have been able to fire questions at me from their chosen homework stations (under the table, lying on the lawn, upside down in the hammock) and I have ALWAYS been able to answer.
“Dad, can great big lions climb trees?”
“Dad, howdya spell konsikwens?”
“Dad, what’s the square root of 1296?”
“Dad, what year was the Battle of Hastings?”
“Dad, if you drink sixteen 375ml bottles of beer a day for four days a week and half as much on the fifth day and three quarters on the sixth and none on the seventh, how many weeks would it take you to empty a twenty thousand litre tank?”

But now? I am thoroughly out of my depth.

“Dad, if a bisected cell of a hermaphrodite sub-aquatic plant were to divide by meiosis, how many chromosomes would there be in each of the new cells?”

“Huh?”

“Dad, what’s the name of the group of biomolecules that plants make from nitrates?”

What on Earth? Why is this important? I ask.

Of course my suggestion that she base her answer as follows....
“Dear Examiner, Don’t be so pathetic – this is of no consequence (note the correct spelling) when there are such important historical landmarks to think about…. such as the battle of Hastings (1066),” was about as well-received as an arrow in the eye.

But as I said, fortunately for Fear Factor, Mrs Ed has leapt into this Biology thing, gum boots and all. The woman has become a veritable font of information on the subject, and her thirst for more input is seemingly unquenchable. But whilst this is wonderful for the girl’s studying purposes, and gives me more free time to lie on the couch and ponder more important things than the reproductive system of a mollusc, I must also say it gets a little much at times.

Times such as 2.30am in the morning, especially.

Imagine having innocently closed one’s eyes at say 11.45pm, (already late, after watching Argentina lose in extra time to Germany) only to receive a sharp left dig in the ribs two and three quarter hours later by some crazed would-be biologist wife who has been lying in bed researching stuff on her Blackberry.

“Oh my goodness!” Mrs Ed cries.

Within seconds I am lunging around the pitch-dark room (well, mostly dark, except for the glow of her cellphone screen) desperately trying to find the fire extinguisher, the anti-intruder defense system (baseball bat) and the bottle of Old Brown (just in case this obviously death-threatening household calamity forces us outside .)

“Get up! Get up!” I shout - desperate for someone to hide behind .

But there is no fire, intruder, or prohibition. Mrs Ed is just super-excited about something Google has found amongst some Professor Zerblinkenstein’s research notes.

“Now I understand!” she howls, “Of course! It’s so obvious. Pathogenic bacteria contribute to globally important diseases, such as pneumonia, which can be caused by bacteria such as Streptococcus and Pseudomonas, but ALSO foodborne illnesses, from bacteria such as Shigella, Campylobacter, and Salmonella. Why didn’t I think of that before…?”

Somehow I think that the response I am considering might irrevocably foil my chances of further slumber, or in the least result in a size 12 gumboot striking me on the forehead.

So I climb back into bed, and ponder if perhaps slipping something into someone’s bed-time tea might result in my getting a night of uninterrupted sleep…

Just a little sprinkling of Shigella, or a crumb or two of Campylobacter... or even a drop of Salmonella......?

The lighter side of bid-or-buying.

I need your help. Please, if you could just make Mrs Ed see some reason, my life would be a lot easier. She just doesn’t understand the money I am saving.

Let me start at the beginning. You see the other day our kettle went phlutt. You recognize that noise? It’s what any electrical device will say when it gives up the ghost. Phlutt.

So once we had warped every pot in the house (we tend to regularly forget we’ve put water on the stove) I decided the time had come to buy a kettle….. and it being a rather wintry day, I thought what better place to shop than in front of the fire, on the family computer. You see I have discovered that if one goes onto an online auction site called Bid or Buy one can always pick up a bargain and save quite a bit of money.

Mrs Ed disagrees – she says I’m a Bid or Buy addict, and that once I’m on that site I go into a bidding and buying frenzy. I reckon she’s just upset because I spent the money she had set aside for her annual Brick-Layers’ Guild outing…. and the electricity bill (thank goodness she still doesn’t know about the amount I charged to her credit card.)

I can’t understand that she doesn’t appreciate the value of what I do. For example – the kettle. On Bid or Buy I found a brand spanking new one with the starting bid set at R130. A red flag next to it stated ‘Normal price R250’ which meant that even after paying R50 for the delivery, I would save money. Cool eh?

So while I was there, I used the R70 I had just saved to put in a bid on a set of Scrabble which was only R65! (Normal price R195) – Can you imagine? – that’s a saving of R130! I was on a roll. With R130 ‘in the pot’, as it were, I continued looking for bargains, and boy did I do well. It’s AMAZING what treasures you can find, and such useful things too!

For only R60 I could bid on a 220-240V Jitian Triple Track Head Rechargeable Shaver (blue). Though the delivery charge (from China) was another R80, and it would take three months, it was still a real bargain because the ‘normal price’ was R250! I could barely contain my excitement:
“Whoop Whoop! That’s another R110 saved!” I exclaimed, cracking open a celebratory pint of ‘Amber nectar’.

But then my email program ‘binged’ which told me there was something new in my inbox. It was an automated message from Bid or Buy saying thankyou very much for my custom, but someone had overtaken my bid on the kettle, so I quickly upped it to R150:- Let’s face it, there was no way I was going to lose that bargain.

Whilst I was back under ‘kitchenware’ I found all sorts of little winners:- a Solar-Chargeable Boiled Egg Slicer for R45 (normal price R120), an Original Replica American Taffy Stretcher for only R110 (normal price R300) and a 72 Piece Engraved Carbon Handle Cutlery Canteen for R240 (normal price R500). The pool of potential money saving was just growing and growing!

Frantically typing in bids I had to be careful to keep track, because one doesn’t want to miss out on a good deal for the sake of a few Rand.

Another email came through. Some swine was challenging me on the Scrabble set so I had to put another R40 down on that bid, which he (or she) must have instantly picked up on, because I had to add another R40 only minutes later. Mind you – it was good that I checked because I was also being outbid on the electric razor – fortunately only by R30, so I quickly upped the amount there too.

Under ‘miscellaneous’ I picked up a real score - I couldn’t believe that no-one else had spotted it, but perhaps they aren’t blessed with the same retail expertise as I. Collector’s item:- Limited Edition Commem-orative ‘Indira Gandhi Print’ Duvet Set (with matching pillows) current bid only R225 (normal retail price R550). I quickly bid R275, and the potential saving of R225 (less delivery) made me feel less worried about upping my bid on the cutlery canteen to R290, another R30 on the kettle and R40 on the Taffy Stretcher (which was certainly going to make a great talking point when we had visitors).

To my surprise I had barely made it to the fridge and back (thirsty work this bargain hunting) when I heard the ‘bing’ of another email message arriving:- My adversary on the kettle auction was not taking the hint, and had once again beaten my bid.
“No more Mr Nice Guy,” I muttered, typing in another R60 increment. This was getting quite close to the normal retail price, but with the amount of money I was saving on the other buys, I wasn’t too worried.

Fortunately I was still on the Bid or Buy site (toying with the idea of getting Mrs Ed the ‘Silicone Adhesive Stick-on Strapless Pushup Bra’ – Current Bid R22, normal price R85 for her birthday) when the next flurry of emails came through, otherwise I would have lost all my bargains.

I was starting to sweat slightly, so I moved away from the fire before clicking on to the various bid spots. Kettle-Bid Guy was playing hard ball:- Amazingly he had put in a bid which surpassed the normal retail price, obviously convinced I would fall aside. But I am never one to back down from a challenge.

Typing digits at break-nail speed I deftly added another R60 on to that bid before flitting across to the Commemorative Indira Gandhi Duvet Set (with Matching Pillows) auction and adding the necessary R50 there, plus another R30 to make sure I didn’t lose the Solar Chargeable Boiled Egg Slicer.

Then it seemed a small war broke out. I’m not sure where Kettle Guy’s mind was, but the idiot was obviously not thinking. “How can he bid R100 more than the item is worth?” I cursed as I typed a new bid in, narrowly passing him by R20. He must have still been online because seconds later he pushed his bid up to R390. I went R420 and he came back with R450.

It was then that I had a little Eureka moment. A little clock next to the ‘Latest bid’ box showed that that particular online auction was a mere two minutes away from closing.
“Aha!’ I exclaimed, picturing the conniving Kettle-Guy’s evil, twisted face, “So you think you are clever?”

A quick clickedy click and my bid was up to R470, he passed me at R490, but I was ready for him… I waited, fingers hovering over the key-board, knowing he would be lulled into a false sense of security… and then, with only seconds to go, I typed in my three digits. The auction closed with my bid of R530 in the box. “I won!” I shouted victoriously.

What a great day it was! Well, at least I thought so. Mrs Ed just doesn’t get it at all, even though I took time to point out that the only auction I lost (and by quite a narrow margin) was the Original Replica American Taffy Stretcher, and that some of the items I won I paid less than the normal retail price (I daren’t mention the delivery charges).

…. And even if we had forked out too much for the Indira Gandhi Commemorative Duvet Set (with matching pillows), it would certainly come in handy for when my brother and his family arrive from UK, as would the 72 Piece Engraved Carbon Handled Cutlery Canteen, and the Solar Chargeable Boiled Egg Slicer. I even pointed out that we now had an extra set of Scrabble, so two groups could play different games at the same time, AND I promised she could have the first go on the Jitian Triple Track-Head Rechargeable Shaver (blue) when it eventually arrives from China….

But no. She refuses to be swayed by my excitement, and harrumphs around the house like a heffalump. But I’m sure that when she tries (or should that be ‘sticks?) on her birthday present, she’s bound to cheer up. Well I hope so, considering it cost R120 PLUS delivery fees …